Missed Opportunities

Seven years ago, I was madly in love with someone. When it was good it was great and when it wasn't good...it was one of the worst experiences of my life. He and I had such an interesting connection. Unfortunately, it wasn't healthy for either of us and eventually that relationship was too shredded to ever come back together. There are always little snippets...phrases that stick in my mind from him and, of course, others I have dated. But he was and will always be the one man who had my whole heart...though the choice was unwise on my part, so for better or worse, he will never be forgotten.

One of our bitter-sweet phrases that sticks with me is 'missed opportunities'. So many times we reached for each other and missed, wanted the same thing but the moment passed. And while I was sad thinking of what might have been, he would respond with a melancholic voice: "missed opportunities". I wish our love had not been doomed. He challenged me in ways that pushed me to be the person I always wanted to be, but I was too shy or scared to step up and claim. It was such a gift. It's still hard to see the gifts through the hurt of what I had and what was lost, but things have gotten better with time. I'm not carrying a torch for him. I don't want him back. I don't hold onto some notion that we were right for each other. We are a chapter in each other's lives, but that chapter is over.

Today, the phrase 'missed opportunities' came to mind as I was thinking of a different man I dated not too long ago. I think about him somewhat frequently these days. He was a diamond in the very roughest of terrain. His heart was so big. His feelings so sincere. Every day I realize just how special and wonderful he was...and it's sad to say that it is far too late now.

We dated, broke up, I dated someone else while he was trying to get me back, but I remember telling him that I didn't want to get back together just because it hurt to be apart. I wanted to get back together out of strength, not weakness. We were both dating other people, so I told him to wait 6 weeks before contacting me again, to allow for some time and distance between us and what broke us up. The next day he sent me a link to the song "Say Something". I cried, but I held my ground. I continued with the guy that I was dating...and that was an absolute disaster that ended in a crazy mess.

I started feeling like I wanted my sweetheart of an ex back, but he was with someone else and I didn't want to ruin his relationship when I lacked confidence in whether it was the right choice. If I broke them up, the pressure for the relationship to work would be high, and if things didn't work out with us, he would never forgive me. So I tried to stay away, but still I could feel it pull at me. Finally my friend, who knew I was struggling with my feelings, said she had to let me know that he had just gotten engaged...literally that week.

It was so disappointing...so sad. I didn't know what to do and, again, I didn't want to break them up so that I could figure out my feelings, so I still stayed away. But some things I'd heard from mutual acquaintances made me concerned that he was rushing into it, that it wasn't what he really wanted, that she was pressuring him just like his first wife had. I eventually reached out to him. I sent him a text but said nothing of my own feelings and just asked if we could talk as friends. I said it was up to him, of course. I was shocked when he called me within a few minutes. I was in the middle of a work trip and asked if we could talk the next day. He agreed and we ended the call. It was so good to hear his voice. But then came the text: 'You need to leave me alone. I don't love you anymore.' I responded that it wasn't about my feelings and I had said that it was as friends and his choice.' I deleted his number and we never spoke or saw each other again. He married soon after.

My friend was sure it was his fiancee telling him to say those things because he had been beyond in love with me. I know she had told him to stay away from me early on in their relationship when he was trying to get me back...when she couldn't get a hold of him because he was with me...when he blew her off just to have more time with me...when he came after me if he thought I was upset and he wanted to make sure I was okay. That was the man I had. And I lost him. She married him.

I remember when he and I first started dating. It was so complicated because there were so many reasons not to date him and I was hesitant to lead him on, but I enjoyed his company and attention. To this day one of my sexiest memories of a man was with him. No, he wasn't showing off abs or perfect eyes and pearly whites. We were in the parking lot getting ready to part ways for the evening. We hadn't kissed at that point, but he was standing in front of me asking what was going on and what we were doing. I was trying to be logical about things and told him that we shouldn't date, that it wasn't a good idea. I guess he recognized my hesitation and just squared up in front of me and said "I'm tired of this bullshit. I know you're attracted to me. I'm not going anywhere and I'm not letting you push me away anymore." Closest I've ever come to the 'weak in the knees' feeling so many speak of.

It wasn't until this past year that I really pin-pointed the quality that made him so important to me. It was his humility. He had been married and divorced. He made it clear that he had learned from his mistakes. Despite his very messy past with his wife and cheating and turning to alcohol and sleeping around after the divorce, he changed. I never had to ask him. I never had to tell him. He simply recognized when something threatened the relationship he wanted and made choices/sacrifices to protect it, to make it a priority. I expressed my feelings and he heard me. He wasn't perfect. He was passive aggressive and caused some hurt here and there. Never intentional, but it was there. But he owned it, worked on it, apologized.

One of my most precious memories with him was bitter-sweet. He did something that brought a deep wound to the surface and I overreacted due to that deep wound that I wasn't even really aware of. He instantly recognized that my reaction was about something else and asked me. I usually have a good handle on my emotions, particularly my tears, but I crashed in that moment and hid my face. I felt so embarrassed, so stupid for being weak in that moment. I tried to hide my face and head to the bathroom, but he followed me in, grabbed the tear-stained face I was trying to hide, and kissed me. We talked about what happened and what was really going on underneath. He not only apologized but started thinking about how he may have hurt others in the past with similar careless behavior.

Of course, two days later he was stupidly passive aggressive and tried to use that vulnerable moment as a joke. Not smart when you're trying to get a woman to break down her walls for you. When he finally realized his tendency towards passive-aggression, it was a breakthrough for him. Unfortunately he realized this after we were already struggling too much with too many things and decided to end our relationship.

I'm so happy for him. I want him to be happy. But I feel I will always miss him. The more people I meet, the more I realize how rare he really was. I keep hearing men complain that women only care about money. I think that's what they tell themselves to blame women for the reason things aren't working out. I'm not saying there aren't gold diggers because that's a given. But in my experience, the majority of women are looking for something quite different. It's not really the money that women are attracted to, it's the competence.

If I had married that man, we would not have been rich. We would never have been rich. He was poor and I'm not rich by any means. He had no college education. He was a blue-collar worker. He had 3 kids from his previous marriage and took care of his ex-wife's fatherless fourth as well. His debt was horrendous. He hadn't opened a letter from the IRS in years. (Yes, it was a concern!) But what he offered wasn't money. It was humility, strength, a determined work-ethic and a desire to be the man I knew he could be. He was never out of work because, if something happened at one job, he had another in a day or two.

I never once asked or told him to do anything. I never withheld anything to manipulate. I expressed hurt, frustration, or concern and then left it alone. He would think about it, sit with it and adjust accordingly. He got his life together. He became a better father. He started being a parent to his children rather than an irresponsible, casual and careless mess. He started going back to church and changing bad habits. He told his "fun" buddy to stop texting, sexting and calling. He stopped watching movies or scenes that he knew would make me uncomfortable. He gave me his gaming system so he wouldn't waste as much time and only asked for it back to sell it. He didn't change everything, and we still had disagreements, but our relationship was solid and happy.

He saw value in me and in our relationship. He wanted that relationship and he became a man worthy of that relationship. He challenged and helped me as well. He recognized that he couldn't do whatever whenever with no consideration to the person he loved and just expect his actions to not matter. He made the effort to truly hear me - though sometimes I had to turn off the TV because he was easily hypnotized, even by a kid show. But he was incredible. The best man I've dated in a decade.

I hope he has kept it up for his children and for his new wife. She's lucky to have him. And all I can do is hope that God will trust me and bless me with another diamond...and I pray that I am read and recognize it before it slips away next time. All I see these days is a pervasive cultural idea that the 'right' relationship will be easy, it won't require you to make sacrifices you don't want to make, it will be natural and simple and fall in place. You don't have to change! Just be you! Well what if you is self-destructive and dysfunctional? What if you has major issues? What if you is extremely unhealthy?

Every person has value. But that doesn't mean every person is perfect just the way they are with nothing to change or improve to be healthier, whether it be mentally, physically or emotionally. I find it almost laughable that people have this popular philosophy and somehow don't link it to the number of divorces, broken homes, break ups, broken hearts, and psychological struggles that so many deal with every day. Because how could there be any connection to that when people are determined to stay the same? Lacking growth, lacking change, lacking sacrifice or compromise. Every day saying we want something but never making the necessary sacrifices to get it and then somehow confused when we don't get it. What's that pesky definition of insanity?

So here I am. In my own loop of insanity, I suppose. Not sure why I attract the men I do. Deceptive, passive aggressive, irresponsible...yet not without their good qualities/intentions. I hope to break the loop. Shoot, I'm about to force the break simply by giving up on dating...if only to avoid meeting another faulty match. I'm so grateful for my life and my blessings. I pray to add to them, but I still recognize so much to improve so that I can have the life and relationship that I want. Who I am now attracts relationships I don't want. While I wish I had a second chance with this man I have written about here, I'm certainly glad I didn't marry any of the others because then I'd be stuck with that relationship when I feel I can still be better and thereby be worthy to have better.

To God's ears, take my prayer.

If choices came with a spiritual nutritional label...

"Oh wretched (wo)man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities...Why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one has placed in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my should? Why am I angry because of mine enemy? Awake my soul! No longer droop in sin." 2 Nephi 4:17-28

I can imagine many people have thought as Nephi at some point...perhaps many points in our lives. At least...I hope so. I hope we have.

"...your fathers and grandfathers never faced the temptations that you face on a regular basis. You are living in the last days. If your father wanted to get in trouble, he had to go looking for it. Not anymore! Today temptation finds you! Please remember that! Satan desires to have you, and 'sin lieth at the door.' How will you resist his aggressive tactics? Put on the whole armor of God." - Robert D. Hales

Sometimes we may get a little lackadaisical in our efforts to keep up with our mistakes for whatever reason. Maybe we make excuses for it because people make it seem normal. Maybe we've become desensitivzed and it doesn't seem like such a big deal. Maybe we're frustrated because we know better and yet struggle to overcome our personal weaknesses, making the same mistake again and again...and again. Or maybe we feel like there are just so many weaknesses that we'll never make it. For whatever reason, we start to feel helpless.

But when we start letting things slide in despite our own knowledge and faith, we betray ourselves. We betray our agency. We betray our power. We betray our spiritual safety and well-being. We stop recognizing the importance of our choices, and we start losing sight of ourselves. We are our choices. They define us because no matter what else you convince yourself to believe, our choices are the only things in life that we actually do have control over. Whatever we lose has preceded our choices, we can still turn our world on its head with just one choice. We have that power. So why don't we use it? Why would we rather accept a learned helplessness? Based on various scriptures, talks and personal experience, I feel the vast majority of the excuses fall into two categories: first, pride. And second, fear.

I say pride meaning that we think we know better than God. Sure God has given commandments through prophets regarding the need to get a sufficient amount of sleep or magnify our callings or keeping our entertainment clean or attending our full block of meetings. 'But I'm an adult. I can handle it. It's fin. I'm fine. I don't need it.' Our prophets and leaders don't get anything out of our obedience. We do. We're not fine. We DO need it.

And the second category, fear, meaning that we are too scared to see what happens when we turn the world on its head. Simply, it is fear of the unknown. Fear of failure, fear of what other people thing, fear of disappointing people from whom we desire respect, fear of being alone, fear of making mistakes, fear of someone thinking we are weird...that ever debilitating fear. And often it comes in the form of apathy. We become so afraid that we convince ourselves not to care. It's easier to be lazy...easier to hand over our agency.

A couple years ago, my brother told me that 'every once in a while it's good to do something that scares the crap out of you' or as my dad would say a little more appropriately, 'something that takes you out of your comfort zone. It's how I got my brother to try snowboarding and SCUBA diving. It's how I find courage to do things that myself or others would discourage me from doing.

We, each of us, have to live with every decision we make. Make the decisions you can live with...those that do not burden you, but rather strengthen your self-confidence. That defines who you are.

My point here is not to tell you to 'do whatever you want', but rather to be true to who you really are and what you really want. One of my life catchphrases is: "Don't give up what you REALLY want for what you want right now." It takes a lot more time to climb than it does to fall. Don't sacrifice what you really want for a moment of self-gratification. Like the child who buys candy instead of saving up for a much desired bicycle, we often find ourselves making seemingly harmless choices that will slow or destroy our progress toward our ultimate goal.

"I hope each of us will each our hearts to determine what we really desire and how we rank our most important desires. Desires dictate our priorities, priorities shape our choices, and choices determine our actions. The desires we act on determine our changing, our achieving, and our becoming." - Dallin H. Oaks

We've heard many times that the spiritual and physical are closely interwoven, which is why we have guidelines for our physical choices, as well as our spiritual ones. C.S. Lewis said it well when he said "we are not physical beings having a spiritual experience, but spiritual beings having a physical experience." While we groan at the cheesiness of the phrase, 'remember who you are', it is not an empty phrase at all. We are spiritual beings. We are children of God. Prayers, scriptures, church and temple attendance, home and visiting teaching etc., we expect these types of commandments for our spiritual fortification. And they are important. But God makes it very clear that the physical affects the spiritual when He instructs us with guidelines such as the Word of Wisdom (health guidelines), the Law of Chastity, the Law of Tithing, and more.

These are not casual suggestions. These are not low priority commandments. These are the gate to baptism, the gate to the temple, the gate to return to our Heavenly Father. As Hales instructed, "When we obey the Word of Wisdom, our agency is protected from addictions to substances like alcohol, drugs, and tobacco. As we pay our tithing, study the scriptures, receive baptism and confirmation, live for the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost, partake of the sacrament worthily, obey the law of chastity, [receive the blessings of the Priesthood], and make sacred covenants in the temple, then we are prepared to serve." Such as serving in our homes, in our wards, or in seeking to serve a mission.

We don't always have the easiest time applying the commandments to our lives. We get wrapped up in the day to day life, things are busy and crazy and either you don't always make the connection between your spirit and the choices you're making, or maybe you just forget about all that and do whatever sounds fun or feels good or seems 'normal'. Or maybe you just have a moment of weakness. But if you haven't heard by now, let me give you the good word! We're not supposed to be 'normal'. We're supposed to be DIFFERENT! There are SO many distractions, I KNOW how easy it is to lose sight of what we really want. But do you really want to settle for normal?

Hales spoke in a devotional 21 years ago and asked students to imagine that the church was on one side of the podium...and the world was just a foot or two away on the other side. Then, thinking of how those standards change as the years pass, he asked them to imagine the growing distance. He tried to explain, "The world has gone far afield; [it has traveled; it is nowhere to be seen;] it has proceeded way, way out, all the way out of this [building and around the world]. ...What [we] have to remember is that the church will remain constant, [it's still right here; yet] the world will keep moving--that gap is [becoming] wider and wider. ...Therefore be very careful. If you judge your actions and the standard of the church on the basis of where the world is and where it's going, you will find that you are not where you should be." Justifying our actions because someone is doing far worse, is not how the church standards work. Hales also talked about the importance of choosing your friends wisely. "Most of us know someone who would say, "If you want to be my friend, you'll have to accept my values." A true friend doesn't ask us to choose between the gospel and his or her friendship. To borrow the words of Paul, "From such turn away." A true friend strengthens us to stay on the strait and narrow path.

In the last year, I've realized that I have a tendency to look at the things around me through the standards I set for myself and strive to achieve. These standards are my goals. I know we all do it, but I've started to become more AWARE of it in the moment. And I started thinking about it a little differently. You know how food packages display a nutritional content? Think about if what you choose to do, say, watch or listen to had a nutritional label for your spirit. Pick up a pair of shorts or a bathing suit off the rack in the store and see the spiritual fat content instead of its size. Flip over a DVD or CD case to see its nutritional value for your spirit. Instead of a synopsis for a TV show, you could click on the spirit nutritional value to check its spiritual sugar content. Knowing the spiritual fat content of a joke or an unkind word might give you a second's thought. Maybe we would ignore such labels the same way most of us ignore those on our food...cuz it just tastes good right then.

Spiritual warning labels like that would be bad for business, don't you think? This has 80 grams of spiritual fat per 10 min?! I'm gonna have to read a LOT of scriptures to overcome that damage... If we could spiritually weigh ourselves the way we do in our home bathrooms or at the gym, where would we be? But we don't have these obvious labels, or at the gym, where would we be? But we don't have these obvious labels, we have commandments, the spirit, and our agency...and that makes it even more important to know who you are and be true to yourself. Even without looking at such labels, we usually have a pretty good idea that a bag of M&Ms doesn't exactly have high nutritional value.

My high school seminary teacher once told us to consider what Gordon B. Hi celery would look like spiritually...imagine his muscles rippling in the sun. The Hulk has nothing on him! Granted we don't either, but that's okay because all the prophets have provided a great diet and workout plan for us. We have these awesome spiritual gym memberships we can get, otherwise known as temple recommends. There's the free gym open every Sunday, known as church. People sometimes undervalue things that are free, but, like the Atonement, I definitely recommend you take advantage of the Sunday gym. There are some convenient exercises you can do in the comfort of your own home, such as personal prayer and scripture reading. For the busy person on the go, you can access several spiritual apps on your phone or iPod such as our scripture workouts and websites. If you have some specific problem areas like maybe some chub around the midsection that is just stubborn, I'd recommend the gym's personal trainer, Bishop. He's VERY good at working with you on an individual level and will really personalize the time you spend with him. But remember remember, while "it is not requisite that man should run faster than he has strength...it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order." (Mosiah 4:27) And as is true with all health plans, challenge yourself and repetition is key! Do your daily, weekly and monthly exercises so that you too can win the prize.

"As we press forward along the strait and narrow path, we build progressive spiritual strength--strength in using our agency to act for ourselves." The plan of happiness is about making and KEEPING commitments. Whatever you choose in life, follow through. Whatever vocation you commit yourself to, follow through. Whatever partner you choose for yourself, follow through. Whatever person you desire to be, follow through. Don't give up what you REALLY want, for what you want right now. We made a choice before we came to this world and now we're here to finish what we started. I join Hales' plea that we choose and act for ourselves and be motivated from within, rather than the external influences of the world. "Finish what you begin."

A close friend of mine once told me that people want to be their best self. We feel good when we're being the better version of ourselves. The same way most of us feel better after doing something productive or active rather than vegging all day. We can't have a great relationship with someone who lets us be a lesser version of ourselves. If you let someone treat you badly, you're hurting both of you.

"Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul. Do not anger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions. Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise three forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation...Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin? May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my heart is broken and my spirit is contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of the righteousness before me, that I may walk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road! ...O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine enemies! Wilt thou make my path straight before me!" 2 Nephi 4:17-33

Lately, I've struggled to figure out what I should be trying to change and what I just have to accept...from myself, from my friends, from those I endeavor to have a relationship with, from everything around me.

"If any man will come after me, let him deny himself."

"Don't expect results others' have achieved until you are willing to make the sacrifices they have made to have what they have."

When I'm going to bed at night, is it going to feel better to say I did something or that I did nothing? I have always believed in the Golden Rule. It's hard to keep, but do unto others as you would have them do unto you...check yourself and then second check yourself.

This life is a challenge, a test. Every time I try to get through a difficult time, I remind myself that there are a lot of old people in this world. If they survived, I probably can make it through whatever I'm feeling will never end at the moment. And sometimes, you need something to jumpstart your soul back to life.

"Every now and then, it's good to do something that scares the crap out of you." - my brother

The Price of Blood

Take a deep breath. Exhale. Now another deeper breath. Exhale slowly. Open your imagination.

The sun is creeping up the sky in the early morning hours and you find yourself in a lush green forest full of wild flowers, exotic animals, crystal clear springs, and hundred-foot redwoods. You see that it's springtime as new life can be seen everywhere, and then it suddenly changes to fall and the leaves change into a myriad of autumn hues.

You find your way out of the forest and onto a sparkling white beach that tucks its edge into the vast ocean where the waves are crashing and the water reflects the brilliant blue of the sky above. Then you turn and see a majestic mountain that extends confidently up towards the sky. Maybe you see it capped with white blankets of snow, or maybe it's covered in rich green foliage. For those of you who aren't afraid of heights, imagine you are now at the peak of this mountain looking down the other side  into a beautiful valley full of blossoming wild flowers and still sapphire lakes. Perhaps you can see a pastel rainbow stretching itself over the lake.

And then things grow dim as night comes on and you lay down to watch the sun set beyond the mountain and the stars become visible, freckling the night sky. And you just lie there watching the stars and maybe trying to find a few constellations.

Now open your eyes.

Did you feel any sense of awe for all of God's amazing creations? Are they not the most incredible things in the world? The answer is no, they are not. They are not, and they cannot be because you exist. Because you are the most incredible creation of God. Neither the deepest ocean nor the bluest sky can hold a candle to the fire that you represent, not even in your Telestial form.

I first thought of this early on in the semester as I was sitting in church. I was looking out the window as snow began to fall (I know, I have a hard time focusing sometimes). But I love it when the snow falls. I sort of think of it as my own miracle because I can stand in it and feel so sure that I know what the sound of silence is. In one of my old apartments I used to walk home at night in the snow and the street lamps would reflect off the snow and the snow just glittered. I called it 'poor man's diamonds', and I thought it was one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen.

But on that Sunday, as I looked out the window and saw my little miracle, I realized something. The snow and stars may glitter like diamonds and the veins in the mountains may carry gold, but your veins flow with blood, and that's priced far above diamonds, and for those of you who don't believe that, you need to more than anyone else.

Furthermore, your souls are priced even higher than that blood. They are priced at the blood of the Savior. While I feel awe at the natural wonders of the world, I feel so much more at the thought of what Christ did for me, and for all of you. He suffered in a way we cannot imagine. He could retain His life in His tortured body long after our souls would have fled the pain and escaped to death. And while His strength to do that and His love to do that for me amazes me, there is such beauty in remembering what happened after that: He came back. He came back and He completed His work that we might all have a chance to become as He is.

That is Christ's message to us. To learn how we may become as Him. Kathleen Hughes spoke of the story of the woman at the well and Christ's message to her about living water. That living water, which we can drink of and never thirst again, will be a well of water within us. It nourishes, sustains and heals us. You can receive of this blessing with the Holy Ghost as the communicator, but until you drink of it, the knowledge of the blessing can do nothing for you. It is Christ's healing power.

There are so many monsters in this world; war, divorce, cancer, depression. Some of them are out of our control, and some of them are not, but no matter what the problems are that discourage our joy, Christ has given His promise to come unto all who are heavy laden. Please don't believe you are some kind of exception and sacrifice this wonderful gift. Paraphrasing some of what Hughes said: "We are never left to our own resources, we are never abandoned. If we listen in trust, we will be raised, healed, and we can love life. A well spring is a flowing well that offers continuous refreshment. Those who drink deeply become whole and will become a fountain to others.

Morgan was a friend of mine from my previous congregation. We were never really tight, just friends in the congregation, but from the first moments of knowing him, I knew he was the kind of person who sought to be a fountain to others. Many would have jokingly referred to him as a 'menace to society,' as he was nearing thirty and still single. But he had such a passion for life about him. he taught the Sunday School class, and teaching was what he truly loved to do. But come talent show time, he was crazier than anyone. He could make anyone smile in one sentence or less, and was interested in everyone. Just over a week ago, Morgan died. From hearing the details of his car accident, and his condition afterwards, I pray he was not conscious for any of it. He did survive, however and was life-lighted to a hospital. His family came in tears and in prayer. This family had already lost a father and another son. How could something like this happen again? Morgan laid there for over thirty hours on life support. As a close friend of the family, Neil A. Maxwell came and gave Morgan a blessing in which Morgan was blessed with a releasing of his spirit. Friday morning at 9:15am, life support was shut down, and Morgan peacefully drifted away from this world.

Troy called me Friday night, knowing that I had lived in that congregation before and that I would know Morgan. He told me about the accident and that Morgan, if he survived at all, would be a vegetable. I was so surprised. I didn't even know how to react to such a thing. The first thoughts that came to my mind were, "His spirit is too great to be caged in a body that could do nothing. Heavenly Father, if that is all he has a chance at, release him from mortality." I felt a little guilty when I thought that. I had no right to wish this family's son away from them, but I didn't want to imagine Morgan any other way than the way he was. Shortly after I got off the phone with Troy, I called Megan who is currently in that congregation. She told me Morgan had passed that morning, and as we talked, I told her, "I'm not sorry for him; I'm sorry for the world that will miss out on him." Megan and I agreed that Morgan would be God's newest powerhouse addition to the missionary work on the other side of the veil. Morgan had the gift of being a fountain to others, and he had that gift because he had drunk from the living water of Christ's gospel and sought to share it with others. His wonderful attitude gave him the power to nourish those around him.

Again paraphrasing from Hughes, "Your inner spring can strengthen others. That spring is a gift of Christ. Christ said, "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you...let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." Turmoil is raging in the economy, in families...these are 'perilous times' as Gordon B. Hinckley would say, but the living water still offers joy and peace. Righteousness can give us confidence. "Be still, and know that I am God." In the midst of chaos, pause and listen for the Spirit, as did the early saints. There is cause for concern but greater reason to be at peace. The woman at the well looked at Christ and heard His voice. She recognized Him when the others rejected Him. We can know Him. Let in His healing power as a well of everlasting life. Drink from the well of His living water, and find peace. This is my testimony of Christ and His gospel.  

I'm feeling...overstimulated

I'm feeling...overstimulated while I sit in a meeting where the commandment to "love one another" is being discussed. But this discussion is actually not feeling all that loving. Everyone just keeps talking about judging judging judging and "people judge and lecture and how dare they when they don't know anything"...I just hear all this negativity and judgment and defensiveness. It's making me feel nausea.

This world is exhausting. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know what to do...I feel irritation at all things wordly. The entertainment world that gives power to sex and the female form...and then women get hurt and then angry and in an effort to 'take back control', they decide to do what men do and really just end up dishonoring themselves and create more problems than they started with. And men see their behavior as permission to keep doing the same or worse and it's just a downward spiral of society and relationships and misery. This world that obsesses about making everything as unnatural as possible...unrealistic expectations...and we're left with anxiety becauase we have been set up to fail. Sexual jokes, sexual clothing, innuendo...rationalizing.

But hey...I guess I'm just judgmental. How dare I raise a voice to stop the garbage in this world at the fear of sounding judgmental. How dare I cry out for the pain and misery to stop. How dare I try to reach out in this societal cycle of self-destruct. I ought to be more "loving".

Eleven days at home...

Twelve days ago, I got on a plane and left home...for home. I may have been born and raised in America, but I have two homes in this world. Here with my family is of course my home...but 12 years ago, I found another home: Japan. In total, my days in Japan still don't quite approach two years, but I quickly became what the good-natured, non-PC/not-overly-sensitive people jokingly refer to as an egg: white on the outside, yellow on the inside. I adapted to the life, the language, the culture and the beauty of Japan. I miss the food and the customer service, the way people are considerate, attentive and take pride in their work. I like that you don't get interrupted every 5 minutes by your waiter. I like how walking into a grocery store sounds like a herd of sheep or goats bleating as you hear their cries of welcome echo through each employee in the store...that I like more for the quirkiness than the actual welcomes which can be a little annoying in their constancy.

It's been 7 years from the last time I was in Japan. An old roommate posted on FaceBook that she was homesick and wanted a friend to visit, and while I wasn't even considering the possibility of going, I looked up plane tickets out of curiosity...guessing at a time frame that might work...leave a week after classes end and come back on my birthday...maybe the day before my birthday...hmm. At first I saw the prices and I was like, "Yeah, see how expensive these are...psh...." and then I saw some that were lower...then a little lower...and I started trying to message my former roommate in Japan to see if I might really consider going but couldn't get a response...a couple days later the price was lower and randomly another friend in Japan randomly messaged me to ask when I would visit Japan again...then under $800...maybe sooner than I think...then down to $720. A week after I had seen my friend's post on FaceBook, I had my ticket booked for 3 weeks out. I'M GOING TO JAPAN IN THREE WEEKS! I bought a JR Pass for the train systems, finished up teaching for the semester, planned a few things for my time there and then packed up two suitcases (well really just one and the other would come back more packed and next thing I know, my head is trying to wrap itself around the fact that I was once again, seven years later, standing in Japan.

I arrived at night, so I don't really count that first day as one of my days in Japan. My friend gave me details on how to catch a train that would get me near her home in Chiba and her cousin came with her car to pick me up from that station. We got a simple light dinner, and I went to bed. By the way, my friend in Chiba just happened to have a spare APARTMENT! So it was like I had my own place while I was there...for free. HOLY COW! 

The next morning, I caught an early train up north to Yamagata to meet my old roommate. She had heard of a Shogi Ningen Matsuri in Tendo City. I had no idea what any of that meant, but I was just there to see her and enjoy Japan. So I was along for the ride. My former roommate Tati and her other English-teaching friends picked me up at the eki (train station) and the adventure began! 

Tendo is a cute city and Shogi, as it turns out, is most easily described as the Japanese version of chess. So what happens is this little Tendo town puts on a festival (this was the 60th annual festival) of a life size chess match that reenacts an old Japanese civil war. There's a giant chess board and all these people dress up in period-costumes and sit in a chair in their square with the "chess" piece...and you watch the game played. Of course, there's no question of who will win or lose because it's a war reenactment. It was a beautiful and surprisingly hot day. Fortunately, the sakura (cherry blossoms)  were still in bloom this far north. We sat on a hill with hundreds of Japanese people and enjoyed the show. 

After that, we wandered around Tendo, eventually went into a convenience store where I got so excited about random food items I had missed...I bought a few things and then we wandered around looking for a place to eat. We settled on a tonkatsu (fried pork) place and I enjoyed ALL the food! And then we stopped by 31 (Baskin Robbins) for a little dessert! By that time I was so jetlagged exhausted. Fortunately, we just had to get in the car and drive a couple hours to Tati's house. I got ready for bed and passed out around 10pm I think. 

For my second day, Tati and I went to Sacrament meeting at the small Ishinomaki ward and then headed to Matsushima Bay. March 2011 apparently found a lot of that region wiped out by a tsunami. Thousands died. Four years later, most of the wreckage was gone and it just looked like a large, empty region. But there was one home we drove by that showed a massive amount of damage. It amazes me how Japanese people prosper and thrive in such a unstable environment with earthquakes, tsunamis and monsoons. Matsushima Bay is considered to be home of one of the most beautiful islands in Japan. We walked around the area, walked through the aquarium, and walked around looking at a few other places before heading back to Tati's area for dinner. I was happy that I got to introduce her and her friend to something new: ishiyaki ramen. Following dinner, Tati and I watched a movie before I again crashed early.

Day three, Tati and I just hung out and talked for a while, went to the mall to grab lunch (sad example of "omu rice" with beef stew but a pretty good crepe) and then I caught the bus to the train station in Sendai and headed back to Chiba. Naoko and her husband, Peter, took me out for dinner (SHABU SHABU! YUM!) and that was that.

Day four, I went to Kamakura at the recommendation of Joy, a former coworker who married a Japanese guy two years ago and now lives with him in Japan. She sent me on a bit of a hiking trek to Zeniaraibenten where you wash your money at the temple with the superstition that it will double y our money. Then I hiked up to a park to eat my "combini onigiri" and continued hiking up and around until I came back down to the road and to the giant Buddha temple. After walking around, Joy met me with her beautiful chubby baby girl, Maya. We wandered around seeing a few more sites of Kamakura before heading to her place to have dinner...and bought some delicious Japanese cake on the way! Sooooooooo good!

I had planned to go hiking with a group of foreigners on day five, but after Kamakura, I knew my feet and legs were just too sore, so I got a hold of a tour coordinator I had worked with a couple years ago. We had bonded a lot on our tour because there were SO many problems, so it was awesome to see her! We went to the EdoTokyo Museum and went to take a picture of SkyTree Tower. The wait to go up was really long, and I'm not really a tower person, so we just took our pictures and went shopping. We found a little hole in the wall restaurant for Indian/Nepali type food (curry and nan...YUM!). My first experience with Nepali food was on my mission, so I was happy to have it while visiting Japan. 

After SO MUCH WALKING, my legs were sore and swollen. Thankfully, Naoko took me to get a 30 minute massage on the sixth morning before I went to meet Eri Kaneko, one of my mission companions...granted my most difficult mission companion. She saw some of my FaceBook posts and messaged to ask why I was in Japan and we ended up being in Tokyo that weekend, so we decided to meet up at Harajuku, go to the Meiji shrine, saw a very traditional wedding party taking pictures, and then came the shopping. At first it was just at the Meiji area souvenir shop, but then we hit the main road at Harajuku and I saw it: DAISO! It's the Japanese version of the dollar store (100 yen shop) and it's incredible. American dollar stores ought to be embarassed. We ended up being there for at least an hour and I bought over 100 random items! Haha! I love love love the cute things Japan thinks of. So creative and SO FUN! Then we grabbed a late lunch or early dinner at a drinking place because there wasn't much open. And of course we couldn't leave without our Harajuku CREPES for dessert! :) As we were walking around that area, we noticed a ridiculously LONG LINE. Can you guess what they were lined up to buy? Gourmet popcorn. Japanse people are so funny about things like that. They really will line up for HOURS for anything that is new or 'limited time only'. After that I headed back to Naoko and Peter's in Chiba and had a light dinner, a lot of conversation and went to bed. 

Day seven...NIKKO! This was Peter's recommendation for a day trip. He talked about a lake, and I thought it would be nice to be around some beautiful nature, so I headed out on the the train that morning for Nikko National Park. It was such an interesting adventure to have to figure out the area and I didn't have any time to waste since I had promiesed Naoko I would try to be back for her gaijin (foreigner) cooking class that evening. So I got a couple maps of the area, grabbed the local bus and prayed I didn't get lost. It was about a $10 bus ride to get to a place there called Chuzenji. Well known for its onsen (hot spring), but I focused on the gorgeous lake, sakura (cherry blossoms), a shrine and the beautiful Kegon waterfall. I wasnted to eat, but time was short and the place that looked the best had a long line outside...sigh. So I bought a 'korokke' to munch, did a little shopping, and caught the bus back down. As I was shopping, I was reminded of the three monkeys...hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil...I asked where they were and thought maybe I had just enough time to make it to that shrine before my 4pm train. I caught the bus, got off at the nearest stop to Toshogu shrine, and frantically searched. My gps failed me and took me off course so by the time I DID find it, I didn't have time to go inside. Sigh. I rushed to the eki (train station), taking whatever pictures I could along the way and was able to make my train. PHEW! 

The cooking class was fun, but I was exhausted and it went far too long. The woman teaching the class had the WORST English and Naoko is perfectly fluent, but since she's just part time, she had to hesitate and play naive sometimes. The class was only supposed to be 2 hours and went for 2.5, but then Naoko stayed to clean because that's what is expected in Japan...even though she only got paid for the original two hours. She sent me home early and got home after 10pm. Poor Naoko! 

Day eight was a different experiene. I went off to find a volleyball game put on by a gaijin club. I play volleyball a lot at home, so I wanted to at least play once while I was gone. It turned out to be rather competitive and really fun. I didn't play as well as I would have liked, but still fun. :) There was a cute Filipino guy, but short of course. Had that confident athletisism. If I were to live in that area, I'd definitely play with them all the time, but it costs money. :/ And I wouldn't get to play nearly as often as I get to play here. Sigh. But Japan is good to me. Easier to fine steadier jobs there, I think, too. After the game, I met up with Naoko and Vincent in Ginza and walked around. Such a pretty area. Lots of high end shopping. Naoko and I went off for dinner, followed by another long evening of great conversation with them. 

Day nine was Sunday again, so I walked to the church which was fortunately close. They have a new beautiful big building, a big ward, lots of families and littel babies...someone asked if I was a new sister missionary. Haha :) As soon as I sat down, I looked around and was shocked to see a familiar face: Seiji! I knew him when I was 19!!! Oh my goodness! We were language partners back when I was just beginning to learn Japanese. He's married with three little kiddies now. It was so good to see a familiar face. Unfortunately his wife wasn't there, so I didn't get to meet her and it would have been inappropriate for us to sit together at church since she wasn't there, but we talked for a few minutes after Sacrament and then I headed out to meet Peter and Naoko to go to their former coworker's home for lunch. I had mixed feelings about whether I should stay and visit at the ward, but I felt a little awkward since I didn't know anyone but Seiji. I hope it wasn't a prompting to stay... :/ It was good to meet with Naoko's former coworker and other coworkers, though a bit boring. But the head of their department was there and Peter really wanted me to meet her while I was in town because they are hoping I will move back to Japan and work with them. :) Just as we were saying our goodbyes, there was an EARTHQUAKE! It was a pretty good sized one and the granny's apartment was on the 13th floor so it was even scarier!!! It wasn't really horrible, but gave us a good shake and then for some reason the lock of the door wouldn't open. Luckily she had a second exit, so we were able to get out. 

After we got back to Naoko's area, we picked up a few things and met Peter at her parents' home for YAKINIKU dinner! YUM! And we picked out a fantastic chocolate cake and split the cost because it was a bit pricy, but Naoko kept eyeing it, and they were being MORE than generous with me, so I kept looking for things I could do to say thank you. After dinner, we played a card game rather similar to Phase 10. I started well, but didn't end up well. I started feeling rather tired, so we headed back home, but then Peter and I got into a rather lengthy political discussion. He doesn't think Obama is all that bad...hmmm...

Day ten was my last FULL day in Japan, so Naoko and I went shopping for random things and had a Hawaiian fusion dinner with an AMAZING Hawaiian pancake for dessert! Fat cakie pancake covered in peanut-butter-flavored shipping cream, pineapple, coconut milk and caramel! SO GOOD! I was up late that night trying to see if I could fit everything in my suitcases and carry-ons or if I would need to ship anything. I abandoned a pair of hiking shoes because I felt they had betrayed me (my feet were so unbelievably sore) and it created more room for my souvenirs! :) And amazingly enough, I managed to fit everything! 

Tuesday was my eleventh and last day. Naoko took me for a haircut which included a lovely hair wash and massage. :) We were going to try to get some glasses made for me at this cool new store JINS. They do an eye exam and create your glasses in less than an hour for really cheap! Unfortunately, they were booked up and I would have missed my train to the airport, so we just picked up a simple lunch (tonkatsu and korokke) and headed home to finish things up before her sweet cousin came to pick us up and take us to the eki. Peter and Naoko were kind enough to rush me up with my suitcases so I wouldn't miss my train. Such a blessing to know those two!!! They made my spontaneous trip to Japan so smooth and simple! I hesitate to leave my family and social life here, but sometimes I wonder if I'm meant to live in Japan. It would be the smart career move, I think. But I love being close to my parents and siblings and nieces and nephews...I mean maybe I would be the cool aunt that they get to visit in Japan...but...I don't know. I just want to find an awesome man to spend my life with...have a kid or two...I don't want to move to Japan and be that one single old lady. I don't want to be anywhere and be that spinster. Sigh...... :)

Anyway, so one of the MOST AWESOME things about my eleven days is that every day was a lot like paradise. Perfect spring weather. Hot and sunny but with a cool breeze...no real rain and generally not even cloudy. Even Peter commented on how the weather had been rainy just before I came and then it was perfect pretty much every day. One day it rained just a smidge, but it was more like mist and quickly passed. So blessed! I had a long flight home and didn't sleep well. Kenneth was there to pick me up and help me with my bags. We decided to go to volleyball. Randomly all our Lehi volleyball friends showed up, which included Jana and her husband. It really is hard for me not to be bothered by Kenneth's attachment to her. He's been a little better about it the last couple times I've been there, but I feel that if I weren't there, he'd just go back to being all about her. What woman wants that? What woman feels loved by a man who has other womnan like that in his life? Anyway, this isn't about THAT, this is about my amazing eleven days at home. I love Japan. The food, the language, the people, the beauty in the culture. Of course there are always pros and cons...which the cons are what causes me to hesitate about marrying into that culture...but really it has been a part of me and a blessing in my life. However, I always feel I have so so so much to improve for my Japanese. I feel like my comprehension and vocabulary could be a LOT better. Maybe I'll move back. Maybe it's the best place for me in this world that causes me to feel so lonely. I don't care where I am, as long as I am happy. And I know that happiness is my responsibility and I do a pretty good job. But the thought of never getting married...tarnishes the lust for life I'm trying to cultivate. 

Another possibility...is maybe there is a third home in this world for me. Maybe I need to do a little more exploring. :) I feel rather at home in Latin and Polynesian environments...hmmm...where to next?!

I want to be a hermit

My friend suggested he could maybe set me up with some of his friends since the last few guys I have dated just....weren't the greatest as far as potential life partner. I had a few extra minutes before I had to head to church this morning, so I figured I'd just skim through his friend list on FaceBook and see if anyone popped. Of course I started noticing the number of mutual friends associated with each person, and I randomly clicked on guys AND girls that I was just curious to see who the other mutual friends were. And for some reason I clicked on this girl...maybe I figured she looked just like one of the hot parade-herself-around-for-attention girls that my ex would know. After clicking on her name, I first noticed her background picture  and her teeny weeny pink bikini. I immediately regretted clicking on her name. And I became even more nauseas as I saw, of course, my ex was her mutual friend. And it only got worse as I saw that every picture she posted was soft porn. Boobs and butt cheeks for every picture. Underwear, conveniently posed for no underwear, bikinis...a world of narcissism, vanity, and superficial crap. And hundreds of likes from men to go with each picture.

I want to be a hermit. I know that guys have a lot thrown in their faces, but looking through pictures like that, taking the time to like or comment pictures like that...first, it encourages that behavior, and second, that's a choice. Dwelling on those pics. Probably getting off on her pics. She's offering herself up as an object. None of those guys care about her as a person, most likely, and even if they do, they are motivated to care for the wrong reasons. They wouldn't care about her as a person if she were ugly. They most likely care because she's giving them a free show...or because they want attention from someone like her...involve her in their fantisies. And I just want to be a hermit. I don't want be with a guy who invites that meaningless, valueless temptation into his life. It's hard enough to hold onto faith in good men when they willingly subject themselves to that stuff and care nothing for the damage it causes for their brain chemistry, relationships, their children, and society as a whole. When men try to differentiate between love and sex...justify and excuse giving in to the basest animal instinct...claiming biology, but your brain is part of your biology.

THINK! PLEASE THINK! Instant gratification is not worth it. Impulsive behavior needs boundaries. If all these things were actually good, where are all the healthy, happy relationships? Where are all the healthy, happy children? Why is society running rampant with pregnant teens, entitlement, and people who find ways to get on government aid rather than taking care of themselves. The fruit of this vine is moldy, black, and withering. We are no longer creating legacies of success and education for our children. We are creating selfishness and ignorance. It seems that the people who are succeeding and going for education are increasingly the minority because they aren't the ones reproducing. It's the playboys and the desperate insecure girls. It's the LOVE-starved generation that is being spoon-fed pornography and sex for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Music, TV, movies and magazines promoting the "fun" of partying, getting high/drunk, casual sex, etc. The idols of this world are no longer the intellectual geniuses with their innovations (Einstein) or the moral epicenters (Ghandi, Mother Teresa) that changed the world. We give little care for those who pushed society to new awareness, new heights. No not anymore.

Now, we idolize the sensual and the sexual. We idolize the hot body. We idolize the most temporary and empty part of our humanity...the form. We celebrate immodesty and immorality. We tell ourselves that we are "taking control" when we are actually losing control. And we don't associate that to our pain, our failure, our lack of progress and improvement in life.  We don't associate it to failed relationships, cheating, lying and lack of integrity in general. We now have a society that denies consequence and responsibility. Denies consideration. Denies legacy. We are no longer a world of creation and innovation. We are a world of destruction. And so that is why I say, I want to be a hermit. I want to close out a world that is so determined to be blind to truth and beauty...a world that will cast pearls before swine, selling what is truly valuable for a cheap thrill or a one night stand.

We can't keep a foot in both doors and then be surprised when you don't have a leg to stand on. I want to mourn for the 'wholesome' and the 'down to earth'. I want to mourn for the innocence of youth. I want to scream at the people who don't stand up for anyone or anything and then blame everyone for their poor choices. But when I talk like this...people say I'm judgemental and intolerant. People would probably even call me a hater. I'm not tring to hate...I'm trying to love. But it's getting harder in a world that no longer understands that word...what once was love is now acceptance. People don't want to strive to be better, rise to the challenge, and fulfill their potential...they want to be accepted as is. No pressure. No pain. No progress. And they call that "happiness"...so where are all the happy people?

I am a work of art

When I get dressed in the morning, I'm not thinking about what will get attention. I'm not thinking about getting compliments. I do give a bit of thought to whether the clothes I choose will honor my body...my gift from God. Will I cast pearls before swine? Or will I cherish, value and respect the person I am, inside and out, the best way I know how? I don't look at this gift with ridicule or disgust. But I don't look at it with pride either. I look at myself with appreciation. With gratitude.

I might have had more negative notions when I was younger...when I depended on the world to provide a scale of beauty. But when I get dressed in the morning now, I look at this body like my fresh canvas for the day. I like coordinating something that I find aesthetically pleasing. I don't dress like anyone else, because they have a different canvas, and generally someone else's art doesn't work on my canvas. I realized that, and that's when I started seeing myself differently. Rather than being jealous or sad when I saw an amazing outfit and then I tried it on and I didn't look amazing like the girl I saw wearing it, I recognized that we all have a different canvas.

If I want to look amazing, I have to create my version of amazing. My version of amazing doesn't try to stuff itself in undersized clothes to feel better about the size. My canvas doesn't look good stuffed into anything with the edges sticking out all over the place...to be honest, I haven't seen many canvases that do look good stuffed. So I own the size of my canvas, I own the shape of my canvas, I own every thread that sticks out, because if I don't, then I can't make the most of it.

Some less-busy days I don't feel as artisitc...I feel like relaxing in some pajamas or basketball shorts. Do I dare go out in public like that? Sure, if I want to. I brush my hair and whatnot...no need for a dirty canvas, but art is art. Some will appreciate. Some won't. But when it comes to being the artist of your own canvas, you have to create for YOU, and no one else. Or you will be up and down with popular opinion and become what so many have: a sell-out. Your canvas is not for sale!