Missed Opportunities

Seven years ago, I was madly in love with someone. When it was good it was great and when it wasn't good...it was one of the worst experiences of my life. He and I had such an interesting connection. Unfortunately, it wasn't healthy for either of us and eventually that relationship was too shredded to ever come back together. There are always little snippets...phrases that stick in my mind from him and, of course, others I have dated. But he was and will always be the one man who had my whole heart...though the choice was unwise on my part, so for better or worse, he will never be forgotten.

One of our bitter-sweet phrases that sticks with me is 'missed opportunities'. So many times we reached for each other and missed, wanted the same thing but the moment passed. And while I was sad thinking of what might have been, he would respond with a melancholic voice: "missed opportunities". I wish our love had not been doomed. He challenged me in ways that pushed me to be the person I always wanted to be, but I was too shy or scared to step up and claim. It was such a gift. It's still hard to see the gifts through the hurt of what I had and what was lost, but things have gotten better with time. I'm not carrying a torch for him. I don't want him back. I don't hold onto some notion that we were right for each other. We are a chapter in each other's lives, but that chapter is over.

Today, the phrase 'missed opportunities' came to mind as I was thinking of a different man I dated not too long ago. I think about him somewhat frequently these days. He was a diamond in the very roughest of terrain. His heart was so big. His feelings so sincere. Every day I realize just how special and wonderful he was...and it's sad to say that it is far too late now.

We dated, broke up, I dated someone else while he was trying to get me back, but I remember telling him that I didn't want to get back together just because it hurt to be apart. I wanted to get back together out of strength, not weakness. We were both dating other people, so I told him to wait 6 weeks before contacting me again, to allow for some time and distance between us and what broke us up. The next day he sent me a link to the song "Say Something". I cried, but I held my ground. I continued with the guy that I was dating...and that was an absolute disaster that ended in a crazy mess.

I started feeling like I wanted my sweetheart of an ex back, but he was with someone else and I didn't want to ruin his relationship when I lacked confidence in whether it was the right choice. If I broke them up, the pressure for the relationship to work would be high, and if things didn't work out with us, he would never forgive me. So I tried to stay away, but still I could feel it pull at me. Finally my friend, who knew I was struggling with my feelings, said she had to let me know that he had just gotten engaged...literally that week.

It was so disappointing...so sad. I didn't know what to do and, again, I didn't want to break them up so that I could figure out my feelings, so I still stayed away. But some things I'd heard from mutual acquaintances made me concerned that he was rushing into it, that it wasn't what he really wanted, that she was pressuring him just like his first wife had. I eventually reached out to him. I sent him a text but said nothing of my own feelings and just asked if we could talk as friends. I said it was up to him, of course. I was shocked when he called me within a few minutes. I was in the middle of a work trip and asked if we could talk the next day. He agreed and we ended the call. It was so good to hear his voice. But then came the text: 'You need to leave me alone. I don't love you anymore.' I responded that it wasn't about my feelings and I had said that it was as friends and his choice.' I deleted his number and we never spoke or saw each other again. He married soon after.

My friend was sure it was his fiancee telling him to say those things because he had been beyond in love with me. I know she had told him to stay away from me early on in their relationship when he was trying to get me back...when she couldn't get a hold of him because he was with me...when he blew her off just to have more time with me...when he came after me if he thought I was upset and he wanted to make sure I was okay. That was the man I had. And I lost him. She married him.

I remember when he and I first started dating. It was so complicated because there were so many reasons not to date him and I was hesitant to lead him on, but I enjoyed his company and attention. To this day one of my sexiest memories of a man was with him. No, he wasn't showing off abs or perfect eyes and pearly whites. We were in the parking lot getting ready to part ways for the evening. We hadn't kissed at that point, but he was standing in front of me asking what was going on and what we were doing. I was trying to be logical about things and told him that we shouldn't date, that it wasn't a good idea. I guess he recognized my hesitation and just squared up in front of me and said "I'm tired of this bullshit. I know you're attracted to me. I'm not going anywhere and I'm not letting you push me away anymore." Closest I've ever come to the 'weak in the knees' feeling so many speak of.

It wasn't until this past year that I really pin-pointed the quality that made him so important to me. It was his humility. He had been married and divorced. He made it clear that he had learned from his mistakes. Despite his very messy past with his wife and cheating and turning to alcohol and sleeping around after the divorce, he changed. I never had to ask him. I never had to tell him. He simply recognized when something threatened the relationship he wanted and made choices/sacrifices to protect it, to make it a priority. I expressed my feelings and he heard me. He wasn't perfect. He was passive aggressive and caused some hurt here and there. Never intentional, but it was there. But he owned it, worked on it, apologized.

One of my most precious memories with him was bitter-sweet. He did something that brought a deep wound to the surface and I overreacted due to that deep wound that I wasn't even really aware of. He instantly recognized that my reaction was about something else and asked me. I usually have a good handle on my emotions, particularly my tears, but I crashed in that moment and hid my face. I felt so embarrassed, so stupid for being weak in that moment. I tried to hide my face and head to the bathroom, but he followed me in, grabbed the tear-stained face I was trying to hide, and kissed me. We talked about what happened and what was really going on underneath. He not only apologized but started thinking about how he may have hurt others in the past with similar careless behavior.

Of course, two days later he was stupidly passive aggressive and tried to use that vulnerable moment as a joke. Not smart when you're trying to get a woman to break down her walls for you. When he finally realized his tendency towards passive-aggression, it was a breakthrough for him. Unfortunately he realized this after we were already struggling too much with too many things and decided to end our relationship.

I'm so happy for him. I want him to be happy. But I feel I will always miss him. The more people I meet, the more I realize how rare he really was. I keep hearing men complain that women only care about money. I think that's what they tell themselves to blame women for the reason things aren't working out. I'm not saying there aren't gold diggers because that's a given. But in my experience, the majority of women are looking for something quite different. It's not really the money that women are attracted to, it's the competence.

If I had married that man, we would not have been rich. We would never have been rich. He was poor and I'm not rich by any means. He had no college education. He was a blue-collar worker. He had 3 kids from his previous marriage and took care of his ex-wife's fatherless fourth as well. His debt was horrendous. He hadn't opened a letter from the IRS in years. (Yes, it was a concern!) But what he offered wasn't money. It was humility, strength, a determined work-ethic and a desire to be the man I knew he could be. He was never out of work because, if something happened at one job, he had another in a day or two.

I never once asked or told him to do anything. I never withheld anything to manipulate. I expressed hurt, frustration, or concern and then left it alone. He would think about it, sit with it and adjust accordingly. He got his life together. He became a better father. He started being a parent to his children rather than an irresponsible, casual and careless mess. He started going back to church and changing bad habits. He told his "fun" buddy to stop texting, sexting and calling. He stopped watching movies or scenes that he knew would make me uncomfortable. He gave me his gaming system so he wouldn't waste as much time and only asked for it back to sell it. He didn't change everything, and we still had disagreements, but our relationship was solid and happy.

He saw value in me and in our relationship. He wanted that relationship and he became a man worthy of that relationship. He challenged and helped me as well. He recognized that he couldn't do whatever whenever with no consideration to the person he loved and just expect his actions to not matter. He made the effort to truly hear me - though sometimes I had to turn off the TV because he was easily hypnotized, even by a kid show. But he was incredible. The best man I've dated in a decade.

I hope he has kept it up for his children and for his new wife. She's lucky to have him. And all I can do is hope that God will trust me and bless me with another diamond...and I pray that I am read and recognize it before it slips away next time. All I see these days is a pervasive cultural idea that the 'right' relationship will be easy, it won't require you to make sacrifices you don't want to make, it will be natural and simple and fall in place. You don't have to change! Just be you! Well what if you is self-destructive and dysfunctional? What if you has major issues? What if you is extremely unhealthy?

Every person has value. But that doesn't mean every person is perfect just the way they are with nothing to change or improve to be healthier, whether it be mentally, physically or emotionally. I find it almost laughable that people have this popular philosophy and somehow don't link it to the number of divorces, broken homes, break ups, broken hearts, and psychological struggles that so many deal with every day. Because how could there be any connection to that when people are determined to stay the same? Lacking growth, lacking change, lacking sacrifice or compromise. Every day saying we want something but never making the necessary sacrifices to get it and then somehow confused when we don't get it. What's that pesky definition of insanity?

So here I am. In my own loop of insanity, I suppose. Not sure why I attract the men I do. Deceptive, passive aggressive, irresponsible...yet not without their good qualities/intentions. I hope to break the loop. Shoot, I'm about to force the break simply by giving up on dating...if only to avoid meeting another faulty match. I'm so grateful for my life and my blessings. I pray to add to them, but I still recognize so much to improve so that I can have the life and relationship that I want. Who I am now attracts relationships I don't want. While I wish I had a second chance with this man I have written about here, I'm certainly glad I didn't marry any of the others because then I'd be stuck with that relationship when I feel I can still be better and thereby be worthy to have better.

To God's ears, take my prayer.

If choices came with a spiritual nutritional label...

"Oh wretched (wo)man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities...Why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one has placed in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my should? Why am I angry because of mine enemy? Awake my soul! No longer droop in sin." 2 Nephi 4:17-28

I can imagine many people have thought as Nephi at some point...perhaps many points in our lives. At least...I hope so. I hope we have.

"...your fathers and grandfathers never faced the temptations that you face on a regular basis. You are living in the last days. If your father wanted to get in trouble, he had to go looking for it. Not anymore! Today temptation finds you! Please remember that! Satan desires to have you, and 'sin lieth at the door.' How will you resist his aggressive tactics? Put on the whole armor of God." - Robert D. Hales

Sometimes we may get a little lackadaisical in our efforts to keep up with our mistakes for whatever reason. Maybe we make excuses for it because people make it seem normal. Maybe we've become desensitivzed and it doesn't seem like such a big deal. Maybe we're frustrated because we know better and yet struggle to overcome our personal weaknesses, making the same mistake again and again...and again. Or maybe we feel like there are just so many weaknesses that we'll never make it. For whatever reason, we start to feel helpless.

But when we start letting things slide in despite our own knowledge and faith, we betray ourselves. We betray our agency. We betray our power. We betray our spiritual safety and well-being. We stop recognizing the importance of our choices, and we start losing sight of ourselves. We are our choices. They define us because no matter what else you convince yourself to believe, our choices are the only things in life that we actually do have control over. Whatever we lose has preceded our choices, we can still turn our world on its head with just one choice. We have that power. So why don't we use it? Why would we rather accept a learned helplessness? Based on various scriptures, talks and personal experience, I feel the vast majority of the excuses fall into two categories: first, pride. And second, fear.

I say pride meaning that we think we know better than God. Sure God has given commandments through prophets regarding the need to get a sufficient amount of sleep or magnify our callings or keeping our entertainment clean or attending our full block of meetings. 'But I'm an adult. I can handle it. It's fin. I'm fine. I don't need it.' Our prophets and leaders don't get anything out of our obedience. We do. We're not fine. We DO need it.

And the second category, fear, meaning that we are too scared to see what happens when we turn the world on its head. Simply, it is fear of the unknown. Fear of failure, fear of what other people thing, fear of disappointing people from whom we desire respect, fear of being alone, fear of making mistakes, fear of someone thinking we are weird...that ever debilitating fear. And often it comes in the form of apathy. We become so afraid that we convince ourselves not to care. It's easier to be lazy...easier to hand over our agency.

A couple years ago, my brother told me that 'every once in a while it's good to do something that scares the crap out of you' or as my dad would say a little more appropriately, 'something that takes you out of your comfort zone. It's how I got my brother to try snowboarding and SCUBA diving. It's how I find courage to do things that myself or others would discourage me from doing.

We, each of us, have to live with every decision we make. Make the decisions you can live with...those that do not burden you, but rather strengthen your self-confidence. That defines who you are.

My point here is not to tell you to 'do whatever you want', but rather to be true to who you really are and what you really want. One of my life catchphrases is: "Don't give up what you REALLY want for what you want right now." It takes a lot more time to climb than it does to fall. Don't sacrifice what you really want for a moment of self-gratification. Like the child who buys candy instead of saving up for a much desired bicycle, we often find ourselves making seemingly harmless choices that will slow or destroy our progress toward our ultimate goal.

"I hope each of us will each our hearts to determine what we really desire and how we rank our most important desires. Desires dictate our priorities, priorities shape our choices, and choices determine our actions. The desires we act on determine our changing, our achieving, and our becoming." - Dallin H. Oaks

We've heard many times that the spiritual and physical are closely interwoven, which is why we have guidelines for our physical choices, as well as our spiritual ones. C.S. Lewis said it well when he said "we are not physical beings having a spiritual experience, but spiritual beings having a physical experience." While we groan at the cheesiness of the phrase, 'remember who you are', it is not an empty phrase at all. We are spiritual beings. We are children of God. Prayers, scriptures, church and temple attendance, home and visiting teaching etc., we expect these types of commandments for our spiritual fortification. And they are important. But God makes it very clear that the physical affects the spiritual when He instructs us with guidelines such as the Word of Wisdom (health guidelines), the Law of Chastity, the Law of Tithing, and more.

These are not casual suggestions. These are not low priority commandments. These are the gate to baptism, the gate to the temple, the gate to return to our Heavenly Father. As Hales instructed, "When we obey the Word of Wisdom, our agency is protected from addictions to substances like alcohol, drugs, and tobacco. As we pay our tithing, study the scriptures, receive baptism and confirmation, live for the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost, partake of the sacrament worthily, obey the law of chastity, [receive the blessings of the Priesthood], and make sacred covenants in the temple, then we are prepared to serve." Such as serving in our homes, in our wards, or in seeking to serve a mission.

We don't always have the easiest time applying the commandments to our lives. We get wrapped up in the day to day life, things are busy and crazy and either you don't always make the connection between your spirit and the choices you're making, or maybe you just forget about all that and do whatever sounds fun or feels good or seems 'normal'. Or maybe you just have a moment of weakness. But if you haven't heard by now, let me give you the good word! We're not supposed to be 'normal'. We're supposed to be DIFFERENT! There are SO many distractions, I KNOW how easy it is to lose sight of what we really want. But do you really want to settle for normal?

Hales spoke in a devotional 21 years ago and asked students to imagine that the church was on one side of the podium...and the world was just a foot or two away on the other side. Then, thinking of how those standards change as the years pass, he asked them to imagine the growing distance. He tried to explain, "The world has gone far afield; [it has traveled; it is nowhere to be seen;] it has proceeded way, way out, all the way out of this [building and around the world]. ...What [we] have to remember is that the church will remain constant, [it's still right here; yet] the world will keep moving--that gap is [becoming] wider and wider. ...Therefore be very careful. If you judge your actions and the standard of the church on the basis of where the world is and where it's going, you will find that you are not where you should be." Justifying our actions because someone is doing far worse, is not how the church standards work. Hales also talked about the importance of choosing your friends wisely. "Most of us know someone who would say, "If you want to be my friend, you'll have to accept my values." A true friend doesn't ask us to choose between the gospel and his or her friendship. To borrow the words of Paul, "From such turn away." A true friend strengthens us to stay on the strait and narrow path.

In the last year, I've realized that I have a tendency to look at the things around me through the standards I set for myself and strive to achieve. These standards are my goals. I know we all do it, but I've started to become more AWARE of it in the moment. And I started thinking about it a little differently. You know how food packages display a nutritional content? Think about if what you choose to do, say, watch or listen to had a nutritional label for your spirit. Pick up a pair of shorts or a bathing suit off the rack in the store and see the spiritual fat content instead of its size. Flip over a DVD or CD case to see its nutritional value for your spirit. Instead of a synopsis for a TV show, you could click on the spirit nutritional value to check its spiritual sugar content. Knowing the spiritual fat content of a joke or an unkind word might give you a second's thought. Maybe we would ignore such labels the same way most of us ignore those on our food...cuz it just tastes good right then.

Spiritual warning labels like that would be bad for business, don't you think? This has 80 grams of spiritual fat per 10 min?! I'm gonna have to read a LOT of scriptures to overcome that damage... If we could spiritually weigh ourselves the way we do in our home bathrooms or at the gym, where would we be? But we don't have these obvious labels, or at the gym, where would we be? But we don't have these obvious labels, we have commandments, the spirit, and our agency...and that makes it even more important to know who you are and be true to yourself. Even without looking at such labels, we usually have a pretty good idea that a bag of M&Ms doesn't exactly have high nutritional value.

My high school seminary teacher once told us to consider what Gordon B. Hi celery would look like spiritually...imagine his muscles rippling in the sun. The Hulk has nothing on him! Granted we don't either, but that's okay because all the prophets have provided a great diet and workout plan for us. We have these awesome spiritual gym memberships we can get, otherwise known as temple recommends. There's the free gym open every Sunday, known as church. People sometimes undervalue things that are free, but, like the Atonement, I definitely recommend you take advantage of the Sunday gym. There are some convenient exercises you can do in the comfort of your own home, such as personal prayer and scripture reading. For the busy person on the go, you can access several spiritual apps on your phone or iPod such as our scripture workouts and websites. If you have some specific problem areas like maybe some chub around the midsection that is just stubborn, I'd recommend the gym's personal trainer, Bishop. He's VERY good at working with you on an individual level and will really personalize the time you spend with him. But remember remember, while "it is not requisite that man should run faster than he has strength...it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order." (Mosiah 4:27) And as is true with all health plans, challenge yourself and repetition is key! Do your daily, weekly and monthly exercises so that you too can win the prize.

"As we press forward along the strait and narrow path, we build progressive spiritual strength--strength in using our agency to act for ourselves." The plan of happiness is about making and KEEPING commitments. Whatever you choose in life, follow through. Whatever vocation you commit yourself to, follow through. Whatever partner you choose for yourself, follow through. Whatever person you desire to be, follow through. Don't give up what you REALLY want, for what you want right now. We made a choice before we came to this world and now we're here to finish what we started. I join Hales' plea that we choose and act for ourselves and be motivated from within, rather than the external influences of the world. "Finish what you begin."

A close friend of mine once told me that people want to be their best self. We feel good when we're being the better version of ourselves. The same way most of us feel better after doing something productive or active rather than vegging all day. We can't have a great relationship with someone who lets us be a lesser version of ourselves. If you let someone treat you badly, you're hurting both of you.

"Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul. Do not anger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions. Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise three forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation...Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin? May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my heart is broken and my spirit is contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of the righteousness before me, that I may walk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road! ...O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine enemies! Wilt thou make my path straight before me!" 2 Nephi 4:17-33

Lately, I've struggled to figure out what I should be trying to change and what I just have to accept...from myself, from my friends, from those I endeavor to have a relationship with, from everything around me.

"If any man will come after me, let him deny himself."

"Don't expect results others' have achieved until you are willing to make the sacrifices they have made to have what they have."

When I'm going to bed at night, is it going to feel better to say I did something or that I did nothing? I have always believed in the Golden Rule. It's hard to keep, but do unto others as you would have them do unto you...check yourself and then second check yourself.

This life is a challenge, a test. Every time I try to get through a difficult time, I remind myself that there are a lot of old people in this world. If they survived, I probably can make it through whatever I'm feeling will never end at the moment. And sometimes, you need something to jumpstart your soul back to life.

"Every now and then, it's good to do something that scares the crap out of you." - my brother